Tuesday, December 3, 2013

President Ted Cruz--The First 100 Days

  • January 8th, 2020—President Theodore Cruz takes office. He is joined by Vice President Michele Bachmann.
    • Has Republican/Tea Party majority in both Houses of Congress.

  • January 21st, 2020—The Environmental Protection Agency is dissolved.

  • January 22nd, 2020—The Department of Education is dissolved.

o   Replaced by new Department of Biblical Certainty

  • January 23rd, 2020—President Cruz, by Executive Order, criminalizes homosexuality in all 50 States.

  • January 24th, 2020—Department of Decency created, overseen by new cabinet-level position headed by Marcus Bachmann.

  • January 30th, 2020—“Pray Away the Gay” Camps open nationwide.

o   Attendance compulsory for all American teenagers between the ages of 11 and 17.
o   Especially if they like to dance.

  •  February 3rd, 2020—Amendment 28 to the Constitution of the United States proposed.

o   AKA—the “Separation of Science and State Amendment.”
o   AKA—the “James Inhofe Act.”
o   AKA—“I Ain’t No Red-Assed Monkey! Nossir!”
o   Contained within the Amendment:
§ Climate Change officially declared a “hoax.”
§  Theory of evolution officially declared “atheist propaganda” and barred from all schools.
§  Creation Museum in Petersburg, KY, declared National Historic Site.
§  Provides funding for implementation of “Nancy Reagan Astrology Centers.”
§  NSA and NASA permanently defunded.
  • February 5th, 2020--Hearings scheduled to determine political affiliation of Galileo and Copernicus, as well as their possible ties to Osama bin Laden.
  •  February 6th, 2020—All federal, state and local airports renamed in honor of Ronald Reagan.
o   Ticketing chaos ensues.
o   Terrorist Threat Level raised to Mauvelous.
  • February 18th, 2020—Leap Years removed from calendars.
o   Cuz it’s just weird and befuddling and, in direct violation of the Constitution and the Intentions of the Founders “forces Math upon Americans.”
  •  February 21st, 2020—On her way home from a meeting of the “Society for the Creation of Comfier Church Pews,” VP Michele Bachmann, after misinterpreting a faulty street light as the beginning of the Rapture, leaps from her car in the middle of the Santorum Parkway, overnight bag in hand. Is painlessly euthanized by ASPCA truck.
o   Her funeral is attended by thousands.
o   Many of whom are “totally, like, bummed” when Jesus fails to show.
  •  February 30th, 2020—The “Founders Defense Act” is passed, unanimously.
o   America’s standing Army disbanded. Replaced by State-Centered Militias.
o   President Cruz’s Secret Service detail renamed the “Praetorian Guard.” Is staffed entirely by operatives of Blackwater Security.
  •  March 2nd, 2020—Hearings begin for Constitutional Amendment 29.
o   Intended to repeal Amendment 22.
o   President Cruz declares himself President for Life.
o   House members hold up lighters and toss beach ball around chamber.
  • March 8th, 2020—US severs diplomatic relations with Sweden, Finland, Denmark, Britain, France, Spain, Canada, West Xylophone, Freedonia, Lilliput and Skull Island.
  • March 10th, 2020—“Duck Dynasty” wins every Emmy in every category.
o   House members hold up lighters and toss beach ball around chamber.
  • March 11th, 2020—“Jesse Helms Center for Negro Reskilling” opens in Bug Tussle, OK.
o   Also on This Date:
§  American Civil War officially designated the “War of Yankee Aggression.”
§  “Chicago School” of Economics declared America’s National Philosophy.
§  “Fairness Doctrine” enacted on all American Indian Reservations. Now illegal for whites to lose in their casinos.
§  Nutrition guides in school cafeterias replaced with Zamboni repair manual and several handfuls of bright purple confetti.
  • March 15th, 2020—First students admitted into the Bob Jones University School of Legitimate Rape.
o   Senior-class projects to include practicum.
  •  March 18th, 2020—President for Life Cruz issues DFJ (Direct from Jesus) Order #1.
o   Exercising a vocabulary now a punishable offense.
  • March 20th, 2020—President for Life Cruz crushed under palate of Dr. Seuss books.
  • Surviving Americans hold up lighters and toss around a beach ball.


1 comment:

  1. Although I'm never one for 'slippery slopes' or general hyperbole in the face of the Constitution and its built-in checks and balances, this, my friend, is some scary shit!