Today’s opening sally: morally and politically, Oklahoma, the state where I currently dangle my fedora, it a fucking train wreck. And nowhere is this lamentable fact more apparent than when viewed through the lens of Rick Santorum’s presidential campaign.
Back on March 6th, Santorum won the Oklahoma State Republican primary, crushing both Gingrich and Romney under the boots of the state’s large and vocal born-again Christian population. Post-primary polls conducted by ABC News indicated that 8 out of 10 voters who rolled Santorum’s way did so because they wanted a “true conservative” who shared their “religious values” and who had a “strong moral character.”
By casting their lots for Santorum, Oklahoma wing-nuts were obviously telling the other candidates that they were not “true” conservatives. But come on. Romney and Gingrich were doomed long before they ever landed in Okie World. Born-again types think Mormonism is a cult, and so they distrust the magic underwear crowd, and Gingrich is a fatuous, opportunistic twat, who’s not just a political insider, he’s up inside Washington all the way to his shriveled nutsack.
No, watching the interviews the night Little Ricky won, the name most often invoked in comparison was Ronald Reagan’s. What’s interesting is how unlikely a Reagan victory would be if he were active in politics today. Just to pick one example at random, Saint Ronald raised taxes nine times over the course of his presidency (effectively eviscerating the American middle class in the process) and that detail alone would be enough to ruin him in the eyes of today’s Tea-Party troglodytes and other gasbag neo-cons. Ronald Reagan, too liberal? It might just be the case. Weird, huh?
But let’s face it, Oklahoma was already a prime location for a Santorum candidacy to fester. It is, after all, the state than spawned Ralph Shortey and James Inhofe.
Shortey, a freshman state senator from Oklahoma City, is the braindead fucktard who introduced a bill banning human fetuses in food. The bill, SB 1418, reads in part: “No person or entity shall manufacture or knowingly sell food or any other product intended for human consumption which contains aborted human fetuses in the ingredients or which used aborted human fetuses in the research or development of any of the ingredients.” When the hate-mail and holy-shit-you’re-a-dumbass-mail started cannonading off his head, Shortey sharpened his message by telling us that PepsiCo, in league with the biotech firm Senomyx, was using aborted fetuses to create and test artificial food flavorings. Both companies stoutly denied Shortey’s allegations, but he remains steadfast in defense of his “facts”…because he read them on the internet.
It’s this sort of intellectual meticulousness that throws wide its arms for a great big Santorum bear hug.
And then there’s Senator James Inhofe. His new book, The Greatest Hoax, is the senator’s latest assault on the “global warming conspiracy.” While not as batshit crazy as Shortey, Inhofe still has a lot to answer for. First of all, there’s his recent statement that there are more scientists who do not accept climate change than scientists who do. This immediately called to mind Inhofe’s list from a few years back, a list of 100 scientists who deny climate change. A cursory glance at the list showed that many of his “scientists” were, in fact, TV weathermen. TV weathermen. On the scale of rigorous scientific education, the weatherman ranks somewhere between cosmetologist and dog groomer.
But where Inhofe really goes striding forth into Numbnuts Land is when he (by “he” I mean, of course, his ghostwriters, cuz if Inhofe wrote a single syllable of this blather I’ll eat a baby harp seal) trots out what is really lurking behind the global warming “conspiracy.” First, is the baffling claim that those who support the science behind climate change, from politicians, to environmental activists to assenting scientists, are motivated by money. “Just look,” the senator recently opined in a radio interview, “how much Al Gore has made off this stuff.” I don’t even want to get into how bizarre it is for an arch-conservative like Inhofe to whine about someone making a little jingle. But Inhofe is just getting warmed up.
The real culprit, according to Jimmy the Jerk, in the “conspiracy” is…wait for it…the United Nations. It seems that the UN is intent upon taking over America and making all of us live and act according to their heinous, perhaps even—gasp!—socialist, dictates. The UN has either bribed or brainwashed the vast number of scientists (90% and climbing) who support the idea of climate change into selling this pernicious hoax to the American public.
But the main reason we needn’t worry about climate change is this: god won’t allow it to happen. In an interview broadcast on a Christian radio program Inhofe offered this devastating assessment of the situation:
“Well actually the Genesis 8:22 that I use in [the book] is that ‘as long as the earth remains there will be springtime and harvest, cold and heat, winter and summer, day and night.’ My point is, God’s still up there. The arrogance of people to think that we, human beings, would be able to change what He is doing in the climate is to me outrageous.”
And then, I’m told, a flock of winged pigs flew out of the senator’s butt.
To call Inhofe simply another cracker with god-poisoning is perhaps unfair. Because, see, what Japing Jim routinely fails to mention in his public appearances is the fact that he has received over $1 million in campaign contributions from the oil and gas industry, including over $90,000 alone from those charming and rational Koch Brothers (owners of the Keystone Pipeline).
There is no proof in any way shape or form that the assenting scientists are the cash-besotted fear-mongers Inhofe paints them, but there is plenty enough to demonstrate that James Inhofe is a money-gluttonous whore of the first magnitude.
James Inhofe is just the sort of fluffy-headed doofus Rick Santorum needs on his team.
And, lastly, we come to the children. Pundits from both sides of the aisle bemoan the lack of political engagement on the part of today’s youth. Well, two sisters from Oklahoma have arrived on the scene to assuage such concerns, at least among conservatives.
Known professionally as First Love, Camille Harris (20) and her sister Haley (18), penned and recorded a campaign song for Rick Santorum called “Game On.” In an interview with today.com, Camille explained how they wrote their catchy little ditty: “We just prayed and asked God to give us the words.”
And what words they are! Wow!
There will be justice for the unborn
Factories back on our shores
Where the Constitution rules our land
Yes, I believe Rick Santorum is our man.
Now, I have to ask… You prayed to god for the words—an all-seeing, all-knowing, eternal god—and that’s the best he could come up with? I’d ask for my money back.
Hit the link below to watch the “Game On” video. The girls are so agonizingly wholesome you can hear their hymens squeak.
So, yeah, Rick Santorum has all the qualities that Okies told ABC they desired in a candidate. He is a “true conservative” who shares their “religious values” and he has a “strong moral character.” And despite these qualities, or, in fact, due entirely to them, he is also a total asshole.
Conservatives gibber constantly about some alleged war on religion being perpetrated by liberals. There is no war on religion, of course, but I tell you this: elect Rick Santorum and there will be. How do I know?
Because I will do my level best to start one.