Tuesday, December 3, 2013

President Ted Cruz--The First 100 Days

  • January 8th, 2020—President Theodore Cruz takes office. He is joined by Vice President Michele Bachmann.
    • Has Republican/Tea Party majority in both Houses of Congress.

  • January 21st, 2020—The Environmental Protection Agency is dissolved.

  • January 22nd, 2020—The Department of Education is dissolved.

o   Replaced by new Department of Biblical Certainty

  • January 23rd, 2020—President Cruz, by Executive Order, criminalizes homosexuality in all 50 States.

  • January 24th, 2020—Department of Decency created, overseen by new cabinet-level position headed by Marcus Bachmann.

  • January 30th, 2020—“Pray Away the Gay” Camps open nationwide.

o   Attendance compulsory for all American teenagers between the ages of 11 and 17.
o   Especially if they like to dance.

  •  February 3rd, 2020—Amendment 28 to the Constitution of the United States proposed.

o   AKA—the “Separation of Science and State Amendment.”
o   AKA—the “James Inhofe Act.”
o   AKA—“I Ain’t No Red-Assed Monkey! Nossir!”
o   Contained within the Amendment:
§ Climate Change officially declared a “hoax.”
§  Theory of evolution officially declared “atheist propaganda” and barred from all schools.
§  Creation Museum in Petersburg, KY, declared National Historic Site.
§  Provides funding for implementation of “Nancy Reagan Astrology Centers.”
§  NSA and NASA permanently defunded.
  • February 5th, 2020--Hearings scheduled to determine political affiliation of Galileo and Copernicus, as well as their possible ties to Osama bin Laden.
  •  February 6th, 2020—All federal, state and local airports renamed in honor of Ronald Reagan.
o   Ticketing chaos ensues.
o   Terrorist Threat Level raised to Mauvelous.
  • February 18th, 2020—Leap Years removed from calendars.
o   Cuz it’s just weird and befuddling and, in direct violation of the Constitution and the Intentions of the Founders “forces Math upon Americans.”
  •  February 21st, 2020—On her way home from a meeting of the “Society for the Creation of Comfier Church Pews,” VP Michele Bachmann, after misinterpreting a faulty street light as the beginning of the Rapture, leaps from her car in the middle of the Santorum Parkway, overnight bag in hand. Is painlessly euthanized by ASPCA truck.
o   Her funeral is attended by thousands.
o   Many of whom are “totally, like, bummed” when Jesus fails to show.
  •  February 30th, 2020—The “Founders Defense Act” is passed, unanimously.
o   America’s standing Army disbanded. Replaced by State-Centered Militias.
o   President Cruz’s Secret Service detail renamed the “Praetorian Guard.” Is staffed entirely by operatives of Blackwater Security.
  •  March 2nd, 2020—Hearings begin for Constitutional Amendment 29.
o   Intended to repeal Amendment 22.
o   President Cruz declares himself President for Life.
o   House members hold up lighters and toss beach ball around chamber.
  • March 8th, 2020—US severs diplomatic relations with Sweden, Finland, Denmark, Britain, France, Spain, Canada, West Xylophone, Freedonia, Lilliput and Skull Island.
  • March 10th, 2020—“Duck Dynasty” wins every Emmy in every category.
o   House members hold up lighters and toss beach ball around chamber.
  • March 11th, 2020—“Jesse Helms Center for Negro Reskilling” opens in Bug Tussle, OK.
o   Also on This Date:
§  American Civil War officially designated the “War of Yankee Aggression.”
§  “Chicago School” of Economics declared America’s National Philosophy.
§  “Fairness Doctrine” enacted on all American Indian Reservations. Now illegal for whites to lose in their casinos.
§  Nutrition guides in school cafeterias replaced with Zamboni repair manual and several handfuls of bright purple confetti.
  • March 15th, 2020—First students admitted into the Bob Jones University School of Legitimate Rape.
o   Senior-class projects to include practicum.
  •  March 18th, 2020—President for Life Cruz issues DFJ (Direct from Jesus) Order #1.
o   Exercising a vocabulary now a punishable offense.
  • March 20th, 2020—President for Life Cruz crushed under palate of Dr. Seuss books.
  • Surviving Americans hold up lighters and toss around a beach ball.


Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Talking about the Tea Party

On November 13th, 2013, I posted this picture on my Facebook page:


Is it hyperbolic? Of course it is. And did I mean it seriously? Of course I did, to a point. And it really aggravated some people. Which was, after all, my intention.

People wanted to know why I was equating ‘Baggers with mass-murderers and/or white supremacists. My initial glib response was, “Well, if the sheet fits…” but then I realized that I would be better served by not using words like “racist” to describe them. Not because I don’t think there are racists in the Tea Party—there are plenty—but because the word “racist” simply isn’t a large enough descriptor to capture all of the group’s vile nonsense.

Therefore, I am going with the word bigot.

Moving right along, I want to make quick rebuttals to the various accusations made against me, on Facebook and otherwise, and to the various defenses trotted out by ‘Bagger apologists, while also offering some general facts about their tawdry, horrifically anti-American, little “movement.”


The Tea Party is anti-intellect. Many members seem actually to be proud of not knowing things. America’s Founders, men with whom the ‘Baggers are wont to compare themselves, were serious people with serious credentials. They taught themselves other languages. The ‘Baggers are hostile even to the idea of Americans speaking anything other than English, and scared shitless of people who do. The Founders were scientists, and enthusiastic about science. The ‘Baggers are hostile to science, about which I will explain more below. The Founders were voracious readers on all subjects, and committed to the life of the mind. The ‘Baggers, as is quite obvious, do not read. Their favorite president, the gleefully ignorant G.W. Bush, apparently read only two books ever: the Bible (aka, The Child’s Book of Christian Mythology), and My Pet Goat, (of the two, My Pet Goat is the better guide to good governance…), and Ted Cruz cannot even successfully navigate the tricky literary landscapes of Dr. Seuss.

The Power of the Guv’ment

I’ve been told that the Tea Party is about limiting the power of the Federal Government, or, in the words of the degenerate Grover Norquist, to make government so small he can “drown it in the bath tub.” Republicans were trotting out this silliness long before the ‘Baggers started waving their misspelled signs. Generally it is a catch-all excuse for being against any legislation they do not like, which is, generally, any legislation than might help their countrymen. ‘Baggers do not like helping people, because helping people might make them appear weak, and is therefore an affront to their already tenuous mental health.

In truth, the ‘Baggers are against government of the kind they hate, and rabidly in favor of the kind they like, and they want more of it. Lots, lots, lots more. To wit:

  • Establishing Christianity as the national religion. Rand Paul, Rick “I’m a Christocrat” Scarborough, and Michele Bachmann, among others, have harped on this subject many times. North Carolina tried to enact state-level legislation to that effect this year. The whole idea is about as unconstitutional as it gets, and so will go nowhere, but it remains a fine example of the ‘Baggers having no problem with the government controlling the lives of citizens.

  • Voter registration laws. This is sweeping legislation in numerous (Southern) states aimed at stopping a non-existent problem. There have been exactly three—count ‘em—three documented cases of the type of voter fraud that so exercises the ‘Baggers. So, what possible point could they be making? Well, since those restrictive, draconian laws largely effect liberals and minorities… When the Supreme Court destroyed the Voting Rights Act, claiming it was no longer needed, it took less than 48 hours for those Southern states to enact legislation aimed at disenfranchising minorities.
  • District gerrymandering. Hey, too many congressional districts filling up with brown people? Well, we gotta fix that, by god! Let’s just redraw the district lines and split those minority voting blocs, thereby effectively silencing those pesky slackers! That’s teach them to vote against us! District gerrymandering has taken place in Virginia, Michigan, Texas (of course), North Carolina, Wisconsin and Pennsylvania, with others in process.
  • Elimination of TORT laws. (A bone for their corporate leash holders.) This isn’t taking away governmental power. It’s taking away citizen power.
  • Allowing taxpayer money to fund religious schools and other religious activities. Again, totally unconstitutional, but this one is gaining unfortunate headway.
  • Cutting veterans benefits, as Bush did in 2002, 2003 and 2004. Apparently the ‘Baggers have more use for dead soldiers than wounded ones. I mean, who doesn’t like a parade?
  • Legislating against gay marriage. This one is on its way down in a massive fireball, thanks to progressive states like California and New York, but that didn’t stop the aforementioned ‘Bagger stalwart, Rick Scarborough from proposing a “class action suit against homosexuality.” This somehow leaves the realm of simply bigotry and enters the world of weapons-grade stupidity.
  • Stomping on female reproductive rights. Do I even need to enumerate this ghastly stuff? Get over your bigoted terror of lady parts, people! What are you, twelve??

Then, finally, there’s the whole “god’s law” business. ‘Baggers across the country are on the record stating that America should be governed by god’s law. Again, totally unconstitutional, but that doesn’t stop them from gibbering about it every chance they get.

Hey, guys, god’s “law” has had its day on the world stage. We call that era the Dark Ages. And, god’s “law” is what currently holds sway all over the Middle East, and we all know what a tolerant, successful and intellectually vibrant place that is. And while we’re on the subject, is there any way a government could be a larger, more oppressive, nanny state than by turning its control over to an Invisible Man in the Sky and his oh-so rational earthly lickspittles?

‘Baggers, stop pretending you are in favor of smaller government. You aren’t.


Those of you who know me, know that I am a logical positivist and a philosophical materialist to my core. I love and respect science because science works. Because it makes use of testable facts. Because it explains the natural world and our place in it better than religion ever has, can, or will.

And the ‘Baggers have no use for it whatsoever.

  • “American scientific companies are cross-breeding humans and animals and coming up with mice with fully functioning human brains.”—Christine O’Donnell.
  • They refuse to acknowledge the reality of climate change, absurdly claiming that the tens of thousands of scientists studying the problem world-wide are all part of some sweeping left-wing conspiracy to undermine…something-or-other, they are never very clear on this point. Like their ideological brethren on the postmodern left, they think science is “politics in white coats.”
  • They make up horrific nonsense that sounds “sciency” to bolster their need for larger and more oppressive government crackdowns on the rights of Americans. Fetuses feel pain at eight weeks. If a woman is “legitimately” raped, she can’t get pregnant.
  • They want creation “science” presented alongside evolution in public schools, screaming “Teach the controversy!” You know why no one is teaching the controversy? Because there isn’t one.
I could go on and on here, but it makes me too sad. And, yes, before you ‘Baggers start whining, I am fully aware that many liberal Americans are woefully ignorant about science, and that also makes me sad. And I am also aware of the recent study which claimed to demonstrate that ‘Baggers are slightly more scientifically literate than liberals. However, the protocols of the study were a bit wobbly, and, like all good science (statistical analysis is a science) we must await replication before drawing conclusions. Personally, if it turns out to be true that ‘Baggers know some science, I think that would be awesome, but I do not think it would do a thing to alter their preposterous blather on the subject.

St. Ronald the Addle-Minded

Oh, how the ‘Baggers love Ronald Reagan! To hear them talk, he was the next best thing to Jaysus!! For decades now I’ve been listening to friends, family members, and pundits shout St. Ronald’s name from the rooftops, but without ever saying what the guy did to make him so super-duper special. I’ve done a bit of reading on Reagan, and have come up with some bullet points that I think qualify as his major achievements:

  • He owed everything he got in life to labor unions (specifically SAG, Equity and IATSE) then became president and turned on unions like a rabid dog.
  • He was a turncoat and a rat, spilling his trembling guts to the scumbags running the HUAC hearings.
  • Despite a reputation as a tax cutter, he raised taxes nine times, effectively eviscerating the American middle class.
  • After famously stating that trees cause air pollution (gotta love that conservative commitment to science), he set about selling off the country’s natural treasures to the highest bidder, and gutting environmental protections.
  •  He honored dead Nazis at the Bitburg concentration camp.
  •  He unleashed a wave of torture and murder in Central America, under the guise of combatting communists, funding the scheme by illegally dealing WMDs to Iran. And he only got away with it because he was too senile to remember issuing the orders in the first place.
  • He cheated on his wife, divorced her to marry his mistress, then blithered on for two terms about “family values.”
  • He invented a war history for himself, wherein he didn’t spend his entire enlistment on a Hollywood backlot (which is what he did), but instead liberated camps and fought in major battles.
  • And, he was a completely talentless actor. Bonzo had more emotional depth.

Did I miss anything?

Oh yeah. Where was my brain? He ended the Cold War, right?

Well, no. No he didn’t. As has been well documented, the Soviet Union collapsed because Siegfried and Roy were playing Caesar’s Palace at the time.

The Cold War was ended by Mikhail Gorbachev, the Afghan mujahedeen, and Trofim Lysenko. Never heard of Trofim Lysenko? That’s why you think Reagan did more than just stand around and watch while the Soviet Union fell apart under the weight of its own oppressive bullshit, because you haven’t read your history.

Government Shutdown

Theodore Roosevelt was an interesting cat. Politically, he occupied a niche that no other president had occupied before (except for Abraham Lincoln, to an extent) or has occupied since. Conservatives have a hard time dealing with Teddy. On one hand, he was a rough-and-tumble man of action—a soldier, a hunter, a fighter. But on the other hand, he wanted to return the Republican party to what it had been under Lincoln—a progressive government that helped every American citizen, regardless of color or religion, get a “Square Deal.” When he failed to get certain legislation passed, he had this to say about political compromise (and I’m paraphrasing): If you are stranded on a desert island and all you have is a chisel, a saw and a screwdriver, then you put those tools to use building the best raft you can.

Confronted with the Affordable Care Act, Ted Cruz and the rest of the borderline-treasonous ‘Baggers instead did the following: they sat on their asses in the shade while their betters built a raft, then when it was done they complained about the design, and when nobody listened to them, they shot holes in the raft in an attempt to drown its occupants. Even Grover Norquist said the ‘Baggers were acting stupidly, and when a guy like Norquist calls you stupid, man, you got a whole lotta stupid goin’ on.

In ‘Baggerland, compromise is weakness, and weakness is, I dunno, socialism or something, a word they love to throw around, unfortunately without knowing its definition.

The End

In closing, do I think all ‘Baggers are racists? No, I do not. Do I think they are all bigots? No, I do not. Do I think they support bigoted and oppressive governmental policies?

Yes, I do.


Saturday, May 18, 2013

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time, during the Second Age of Man, there was a calm, misty kingdom called Lithium. It was ruled by the wise and fair King Crestor and his lovely, dreamy-eyed queen, Lunesta. It was a time of peace in Lithium; the war against the proud bandit-lord Norval from the desert wastes of Valsartan, having finally reached an accord beneficial to both sides.

To seal the treaties, both leaders, King Crestor and Lord Norval, were to offer their eldest children up for marriage, each to those of the other. From Crestor: his two lovely and stimulating daughters, the Princess Viagra and the Princess Cialis. And from Norval: his twin, emotionally complex sons, Narol and Nardil.

The wedding of the four children and the two great Houses was destined to be the event of the Age. The lords and ladies of every land were invited. The epic poets of Thorazine were summoned for command performances, as were the legendary musicians and acrobats of Xanax, and the famed horsemen of the Orencia Steppes, and the mystic healer-priests of OxyContin would be on hand to deliver the union painlessly to the gods.

Unbeknownst to all, however, the evil necromancer Symbyax had set her loathsome eyes upon King Crestor’s daughters, Viagra and Cialis. Symbyax hated the daughters for their rare beauty and royal ways, and was intent upon bringing them under her thrall and giving them as name-day presents to her vile and ogrelike son, Paxil, who would probably treat them horribly before eating them.

Symbyax traveled from her congealment of fetid huts in the Midol Swamps, all the way to King Crestor’s castle in Lithium, and secreted herself in the storage cellars beneath the kitchens where the wedding feast was being prepared by 100 cooks and 2000 assistants. She carried on her person a small clay bottle filled with an unhealthy looking greenish-purple liquid. The necromancer skulked in the cellars for two days and a night before she recognized her chance to set her scheme in motion.

A fat, sweaty serving boy called Enbrel had been sent down to the cellars to fetch a barrel of Halcion berries, a wedding gift from the Sea Lords of Zoloft who lived across the Qvar Sea. Being a fat, sweaty, and altogether stupid boy, Enbrel decided to snoop about the place first to see if there might be some sweets he could put in his face. Sadly, however, he found only a foul and gangrenous necromancer, who pounced upon his fat, sweaty body like a hawk on a potato and dragged him into the shadows. Symbyax used dark sorcery to enter Enbrel’s brain, where she planted thoughts that were not the boy’s own; thoughts of poison, and pain, and death, and of running out of Fritos.

Sometime later, Enbrel returned to the kitchens. He waddled over to one of the vast cauldrons of soup that hung suspended over the even more vaster fire pit, removed the small clay bottle from inside his breaches, and upended the greenish-purple liquid into the soup, soup that he knew to be a favorite of both Princess Viagra and Princess Cialis. Enbrel then waddled hurriedly from the kitchens and into the stables, where he greedily ate horse apples until some stable boys found him and beat him up.

Symbyax continued lurking in the cellars, waiting for the wedding feast to begin. As soon as Cialis and Viagra ate the soup, they would be drawn to the cellars and Symbyax would have them.

The ceremony had concluded. And now, the two happy couples, their royal parents, and approximately six gazillion guests were packed inside the Grand Hall, attacking platters of food, guzzling ale and wine, singing, cheering, and otherwise whooping it up. Upon the dais at the far end of the cavernous Hall, the newly minted wives and husbands looked goo-goo eyes at each other, suspending that rather revolting activity only at the arrival of the soup course. Cialis and Viagra sat erect in anticipation.

They sniffed at the soup in their bowls. They smiled. The lifted the bowls to their lips. And they—

“Do not DRINK!!” a voice bellowed from the crowd.

Every head turned in the direction of the bellower. He was a crinkly little fellow, with wispy hair and food in his beard. Even so, a hush fall over the Hall, for this man was none other than the legendary Psilocybin, the greatest wizard and poker player of the Age.

“What is it?” asked King Crestor, who knew better than to doubt the ancient magician.

“That soup,” said Psilocybin in lofty tones, before pausing for dramatic effect. “That soup is tainted!

(Insert gasps here.)

Psilocybin went on to explain how he had discovered the evil witch Symbyax when he had gone to the kitchen cellars for a spiritual consultation with a serving maid named Tamiflu. He had forced Symbyax to explain her presence, and after a lengthy magical duel had gotten the information out of her. The rotten old bat was now firmly imprisoned in an ectoplasmic jail.

The hordes of revelers in the Hall cheered. Psilocybin took a few bows. The two happy couples skipped the soup course and went right on to the fish. Rejoicing filled the land.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Until the next set of double-blind trials.