Monday, January 30, 2012

Stuff I Don't Get

Can’t the conservatives see it: when the one person on your slate of possible presidential nominees who comes off the least batshit crazy is Mitt “I Gots My Magic Underwear” Romney, you are in serious trouble.

The Iowa Caucus
It’s a completely meaningless exercise in civic masturbation that exists for no other reason than to make Iowa think it’s a real state, and Iowans think their opinions mean diddlyshit.

Death Penalty Proponents
Don’t these atavistic mutants realize that they are the very people who, by being killed, would benefit society the most?

Drunken Facebooking
There’s a new app out there for smart phones that allows you to cut yourself off from all social media during those hours when you think you might get shitfaced and post something stupid for the world to read. Oh come on, you pussies! You wrote it, you thought it. Period. And being drunk is no excuse. Take a little responsibility for fuck’s sake.

Gay Bashing
If god really does hate homosexuals why is it that, per capita, the gayest burg in the union is Salt Lake City?

Classic Cars
How come in period movies that, with few exceptions, the cars are always clean, shiny and dent free? A shiny car looks better on film, sure, but having pretty cars all over the place lends a level of nostalgia to the picture that most of them don’t need or benefit from. Plus they make me feel like a slob…

On the subject of cars in movies, why is it that people always park like 100 yards from where they want to be, and then walk, when there is plenty of driving room still available for them to use? Unless, of course, the movie is set in New York City, in which case they miraculously find parking right out in front of their building.

Spiritual Athletes
Do people seriously think that an omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent god, who is capable of monitoring, instant by instant, every particle in the universe simultaneously, really gives a shit if somebody scores a touchdown?

World’s Biggest Douchebag
Bob Marshall, this waste of mass and density from Virginia, recently said that god punishes women who have abortions by later giving them deformed children. With a mind so full of hate and stupidity how does this sick cunt even manage to button his overalls in the morning?

My New Cause
While we’re on the subject of birth defects… Conservatives and Liberals are so at odds with one another over so many different things, that it seems at times that we must be two different species of hominid. Interestingly, some neurological studies now show that we might actually be wired differently on a foundational level. So: conservatism might just be a birth defect. I’m gonna start me a telethon.

Prison Break
Another pair of inmates recently escaped from the prison near the shitty little town where I used to live. When questioned by the local paper the warden said: “Well, they were there at 8:30 when we did a head count, but they were gone when we did one at 4:30.” Dude, when you are talking to the press and the community about how your prison regularly leaks prisoners, at least try to sound like you aren’t a complete fucking Gump.

This guy is so radioactively homophobic he simply must be gay. His dog too.

Disco Pills
Not long ago I came into possession of a handful of real-and-for-true, 1970s vintage Quaaludes. Taking them led me to wonder this: how in the hell were they the archetypal party favors of the disco era? Never in the history of drugs or music have a high and a soundtrack been more mismatched. Weird.

Shakespeare vs. God
OK, so the Bible is the written word of god, transmitted straight from his mouth to the prophets’ quills, with perfect, dare I say divine, fidelity, right? And, rumor has it, god created Shakespeare. So how can it be that Shakespeare is such a better writer?

Climate Change
I’m done trying to change anyone’s mind about the veracity of human-induced climate change. Know why? Because even of all the worst shit from The Day After Tomorrow happened, well, tomorrow, they wouldn’t learn a thing from it. They’ll just start praying, ranting about homosexuals, and looking for a way to gas up their F150s. Let em freeze.

Mass Prayer
Why do religious people gather together in huge groups to pray? Is there network latency between here and heaven? Is it so god can hear them if he’s driving under a bridge?

Beats me.

And there you have it. A bunch of stuff I don’t get.


1 comment:

  1. I kept wanting to explain some of these things to you but if you're on ludes none of it will make sense...also my explanations are in my made-up tonal language...-Heidi