Thursday, April 21, 2011

These Are Not Intended to be Factual Statements

Thank the heavens for Arizona Senator John Kyl. He has opened a whole new and wonderful world of public discourse when he said that his asinine comments about Planned Parenthood were “Not intended to be a factual statement.” Because of his brave stance on what other, less-well-informed, people would call “lying,” it is now possible to stand up in front of the American people and say pretty much whatever comes trickling across your mind.

I have a few items of interest to impart, none of which are, of course, intended to be factual statements.

• That revolting thing on Donald Trump’s head is a Tribble.

• Rush Limbaugh plays violent S&M games with Beanie Babies.

• Michele Bachmann is amazed at the way rivers miraculously conform to state lines.

• “Every time a poor person dies, an angel gets its wings.” Christmas Eve at the Koch Brother’s house.

• Anne Coulter eats kittens. Raw. And when she is finished stripping each little carcass she cracks the bones with her teeth and sucks out the marrow.

• Pictures of cancer patients give Newt Gingrich a boner.

• Geraldo Rivera thinks John Wayne movies are documentaries.

• Sarah Palin has fangs in her honey-hole.

• Every member of the Arizona State Legislature is easily distracted by shiny things, like when cats watch a laser-pointer dot.

• Clarence Thomas has lawn jockeys in his yard.

• Larry, Mo and Curley, the three hosts of Fox & Friends, are the monstrous offspring of Kathy Lee Gifford and a Cabbage Patch Doll.

• Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker regularly has sex with boxes of aloe-infused Kleenex.

• Paul Ryan doesn’t have enough electricity in his head to fire up one of those potato clocks.

• Whenever Sean Hannity goes in a church the holy water boils.

• Glenn Beck thinks there are socialist messages encoded in the mating songs of humpback whales.

• Bill O’Reilly has a tattoo on his chest of Phyllis Schlafly wearing a strap-on.

• Brit Hume sells his blood to pay for illegal Canadian anti-wrinkle cream.

• The only way Karl Rove can achieve an orgasm is if the music from The Exorcist is playing.

• Pat Robertson’s secret NAMBLA web handle is “Slippery Fingers.”


• Ninety percent of the Tea Bagger’s yearly operating budget is ear-marked for the hunting down, stuffing and mounting of Mexicans.

Thanks again, Senator Kyl! And I hope you get help with that paint-huffing problem soon!


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