Thank the heavens for Arizona Senator John Kyl. He has opened a whole new and wonderful world of public discourse when he said that his asinine comments about Planned Parenthood were “Not intended to be a factual statement.” Because of his brave stance on what other, less-well-informed, people would call “lying,” it is now possible to stand up in front of the American people and say pretty much whatever comes trickling across your mind.
I have a few items of interest to impart, none of which are, of course, intended to be factual statements.
• That revolting thing on Donald Trump’s head is a Tribble.
• Rush Limbaugh plays violent S&M games with Beanie Babies.
• Michele Bachmann is amazed at the way rivers miraculously conform to state lines.
• “Every time a poor person dies, an angel gets its wings.” Christmas Eve at the Koch Brother’s house.
• Anne Coulter eats kittens. Raw. And when she is finished stripping each little carcass she cracks the bones with her teeth and sucks out the marrow.
• Pictures of cancer patients give Newt Gingrich a boner.
• Geraldo Rivera thinks John Wayne movies are documentaries.
• Sarah Palin has fangs in her honey-hole.
• Every member of the Arizona State Legislature is easily distracted by shiny things, like when cats watch a laser-pointer dot.
• Clarence Thomas has lawn jockeys in his yard.
• Larry, Mo and Curley, the three hosts of Fox & Friends, are the monstrous offspring of Kathy Lee Gifford and a Cabbage Patch Doll.
• Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker regularly has sex with boxes of aloe-infused Kleenex.
• Paul Ryan doesn’t have enough electricity in his head to fire up one of those potato clocks.
• Whenever Sean Hannity goes in a church the holy water boils.
• Glenn Beck thinks there are socialist messages encoded in the mating songs of humpback whales.
• Bill O’Reilly has a tattoo on his chest of Phyllis Schlafly wearing a strap-on.
• Brit Hume sells his blood to pay for illegal Canadian anti-wrinkle cream.
• The only way Karl Rove can achieve an orgasm is if the music from The Exorcist is playing.
• Pat Robertson’s secret NAMBLA web handle is “Slippery Fingers.”
• Ninety percent of the Tea Bagger’s yearly operating budget is ear-marked for the hunting down, stuffing and mounting of Mexicans.
Thanks again, Senator Kyl! And I hope you get help with that paint-huffing problem soon!