Thursday, July 15, 2010

Pissing People Off--Movie Night!

I was sitting around, feeling restless. Began casting about for some way of entertaining myself. Nothing worked. Then it hit me that what I really felt like doing was pissing someone off. Who did I want to piss off? No one specific, really. It’s just that it’s been too long since I spewed a cloud of venom and outrage into the world, if only to see whose face it sticks to. It's been too long since I’ve given voice to my Inner Prick.

So, here’s some random bile aimed at a few flicker shows I’ve been victimized by lately.

And hey boys and girls: Enjoy!*

Grown Ups

Two hours of life I will never get back again. Most of the cast are SNL alums, which is fitting, because it’s basically a two-hour version of one of those sketches they put on in the last ten minutes of the show to round out their air time. Thank Christ I got in free. Sometimes I wish the Grim Reaper was a little more observant.

The Sorcerer’s Apprentice

Remember when Nicholas Cage was an actor? Back before the mind-flogging horror of “Next” and “Ghost Rider” (and pretty much every other movie he’s made in the last decade)? Back before he settled on his two-fold acting strategy: Sensitive Eyes and Crazy Eyes? Back before you didn’t need to watch his work with cotton balls stuffed up your nose to stem brain bleed?

Twilight: Eclipse

Jesus Fucking Christ! These aren’t vampires! These are weepy vegetarian emo seat-sniffers. We need our monsters, people, and our monsters do not need the therapy couch. Blame Anne Rice. Blame Gregory Maguire. It might not be their fault entirely, but it’s sure as shit somebody’s fault, and whoever it is can just smooch my hairy middle-aged nutsack. If that doesn’t remind them of what a nightmare is, then nothing will. Arrrrrgh!

Alice in Wonderland

The newest entry to the ignominious list that includes “Sleepy Hollow,” “Planet of the Apes” & “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,” this latest abomination from Tim “I Ass-Rape the Classics” Burton is splendid to look at, but that’s all she wrote. Like almost all of Tim "The 50-Year-Old Goth Poseur” Burton’s movies, “Alice” is 99% flash, and 1% substance. Instead, I recommend popping by the Home Depot, buying a Dremel Tool, and settling in on your sofa for an evening of home dentistry.

Want to rent a good movie? Check out The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. It's not great, but it doesn't completely suck hobo-butt, either.

That’s it for today’s temper tantrum, folks. It is my hope that future posts will actually have a point. And be much better written.

Cheers.

(*Exclamation point courtesy of Up With People.)

1 comment:

  1. It's interesting that the best recent movie attributed to Burton (Coraline) wasn't actually directed by him. Henry Selick and Neil Gaiman did all the heavy (and gorgeous) lifting.

    To be fair, there were some parts of 'Alice' I enjoyed. But then, my movie tastes are a bit coarser than our esteemed blog-meister.

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