- January 8th, 2020—President Theodore Cruz takes office. He is joined by Vice President Michele Bachmann.
- Has Republican/Tea Party majority in both Houses of Congress.
- January 21st, 2020—The Environmental Protection Agency is dissolved.
- January 22nd, 2020—The Department of Education is dissolved.
o Replaced
by new Department of Biblical Certainty
- January 23rd, 2020—President Cruz, by Executive Order, criminalizes homosexuality in all 50 States.
- January 24th, 2020—Department of Decency created, overseen by new cabinet-level position headed by Marcus Bachmann.
- January 30th, 2020—“Pray Away the Gay” Camps open nationwide.
o Attendance
compulsory for all American teenagers between the ages of 11 and 17.
o Especially
if they like to dance.
- February 3rd, 2020—Amendment 28 to the Constitution of the United States proposed.
o AKA—the
“Separation of Science and State Amendment.”
o AKA—the
“James Inhofe Act.”
o AKA—“I
Ain’t No Red-Assed Monkey! Nossir!”
o Contained
within the Amendment:
§ Climate
Change officially declared a “hoax.”
§ Theory
of evolution officially declared “atheist propaganda” and barred from all
schools.
§ Creation
Museum in Petersburg, KY, declared National Historic Site.
§ Provides
funding for implementation of “Nancy Reagan Astrology Centers.”
§ NSA
and NASA permanently defunded.
- February 5th, 2020--Hearings scheduled to determine political affiliation of Galileo and Copernicus, as well as their possible ties to Osama bin Laden.
- February 6th, 2020—All federal, state and local airports renamed in honor of Ronald Reagan.
o Ticketing
chaos ensues.
o Terrorist
Threat Level raised to Mauvelous.
- February 18th, 2020—Leap Years removed from calendars.
o Cuz
it’s just weird and befuddling and, in direct violation of the Constitution
and the Intentions of the Founders “forces Math upon Americans.”
- February 21st, 2020—On her way home from a meeting of the “Society for the Creation of Comfier Church Pews,” VP Michele Bachmann, after misinterpreting a faulty street light as the beginning of the Rapture, leaps from her car in the middle of the Santorum Parkway, overnight bag in hand. Is painlessly euthanized by ASPCA truck.
o Her
funeral is attended by thousands.
o Many
of whom are “totally, like, bummed” when Jesus fails to show.
- February 30th, 2020—The “Founders Defense Act” is passed, unanimously.
o America’s
standing Army disbanded. Replaced by State-Centered Militias.
o President
Cruz’s Secret Service detail renamed the “Praetorian Guard.” Is staffed
entirely by operatives of Blackwater Security.
- March 2nd, 2020—Hearings begin for Constitutional Amendment 29.
o Intended
to repeal Amendment 22.
o President
Cruz declares himself President for Life.
o House
members hold up lighters and toss beach ball around chamber.
- March 8th, 2020—US severs diplomatic relations with Sweden, Finland, Denmark, Britain, France, Spain, Canada, West Xylophone, Freedonia, Lilliput and Skull Island.
- March 10th, 2020—“Duck Dynasty” wins every Emmy in every category.
o House
members hold up lighters and toss beach ball around chamber.
- March 11th, 2020—“Jesse Helms Center for Negro Reskilling” opens in Bug Tussle, OK.
o Also
on This Date:
§ American
Civil War officially designated the “War of Yankee Aggression.”
§ “Chicago
School” of Economics declared America’s National Philosophy.
§ “Fairness
Doctrine” enacted on all American Indian Reservations. Now illegal for whites
to lose in their casinos.
§ Nutrition
guides in school cafeterias replaced with Zamboni repair manual and several
handfuls of bright purple confetti.
- March 15th, 2020—First students admitted into the Bob Jones University School of Legitimate Rape.
o Senior-class
projects to include practicum.
- March 18th, 2020—President for Life Cruz issues DFJ (Direct from Jesus) Order #1.
o Exercising
a vocabulary now a punishable offense.
- March 20th, 2020—President for Life Cruz crushed under palate of Dr. Seuss books.
- Surviving Americans hold up lighters and toss around a beach ball.
Cheers.
