The Wine God Rants
An Examination of the Dipshittery In My World
Monday, August 11, 2014
More Encounters with Weirdos
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Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Encounters with Rudeness & Responses
Almost back to back last week
I had it pointed out to me — hugely, insanely — that my Freak Magnet, which I
had been thinking was undertaking a hiatus, was still wide awake and ready for action.
So, here we go…
I was in Tacoma. Had some time
to kill, and popped by a bookshop. Love me some bookshops. Shopped around a
bit, bought an Evelyn Waugh I hadn’t read, and set off again to continue
working.
Now, as it occasionally
happens in Tacoma, it was raining. Pissing rain, in fact. I scurried out to my
car, hopped in, programmed my GPS for my next stop, and put the car in reverse.
I was parked between two pickups. Between them and the downpour, I inched
backward out of my space; cautiously, gently. When I could see around the
trucks, I noticed there was a Volvo waiting at the end of the aisle, presumably
for my parking space. I wheeled around, allowing it ample space to angle around
me, and started forward. That’s when I looked over at the driver.
She was in her mid-twenties,
brown-haired, bespectacled, and screaming
at me. I mean SCREAMING, man.
Frothing at the mouth. Spittle flying against the windows. Complete and total RAGE creasing her face. Her outburst was
so energetic, so ugly, I was taken
aback. She gunned the Volvo by and hurtled into the space I had vacated.
And I was, well, just kind of
sitting there. Just sitting there and wondering what I possibly might’ve done
to cause this girl uncork such a colossal gout of invective. So, I thought I’d
ask her.
I reversed back down the aisle
until I was idling behind her car. She glared at me in her rearview mirror. I
made a little gesture at her, like “C’mere for a sec.” She climbed from the
car. I stuck my head out into the rain.
“Excuse me,” I said. “What did
I do to make you so angry?”
Her glare deepened. “Just
drive on, Sir,” she growled.
“No,” I said. “But wait. Why
are you —”
“Fuck off you cocksucker!” she
screamed, showing me the middle fingers on both of her hands. “Fuck off! I’ll
fucking kill you, motherfucker!! I’ll
fucking kick your ass!! Get the FUCK out!!”
Holy shit. I was staring at
her with my mouth open. But only for a second. I do, as it happens, have my
limits.
“You know what?” I hollered
back. “Go fuck yourself, you ugly cunt.”
And here is where it all got really weird.
Another voice, female, some
woman lurking outside my field of vision, chimed in.
“Hey! Don’t you call her that!”
If the newcomer was close
enough to have heard me call the crazy woman a cunt, she had surely been close
enough to have heard the crazy woman’s original diatribe. But, in true SeaTac
lefty bullshit fashion, I was the
asshole since I was the one who had
uttered the dreaded “C” word.
I scanned around for a form to
go with the face, found nothing, and, dropping my car into “drive” and hitting
the gas, shouted “Fuck you too, you goddamn crazy bitch!”
I still have no idea, no idea
at all, what I did to instigate the thing. For the next hour and a half, I churned
it over in my head, and still nothing. But then it hit me.
Freak Magnet.
Jesus…
And now, the Second Baffling Occurrence.
I was in, of all places, the
scenic hamlet of Hays, KS. Population: Who Cares.
I needed to stop off at a convenience
store for gas and coffee. Filled up and went inside. Wandered the store for a
time, just to see if anything yummy wanted me to free it from its stultifying
Life on the Shelf. Turned out, one thing did. Right up by the impulse items.
They were selling those peanut-butter eggs from Easter at fifty-cents a pop.
And I loves me some peanut-butter eggs. Grabbed two, dropped them with my
extra-massive cup of joe on the counter, and extracted wallet from pocket.
The woman manning the counter
was probably, I dunno, thirty. Give or take a tricky pregnancy or two.
She rang-up my purchases, then
paused. She held one of the peanut-butter eggs in her hand.
“Are you sure you want this?”
she asked.
“Oh, how come?” I responded. “Are
they that far out of date?”
“No,” she said, “but…”
And she drifted off, gesturing
in a general sort of way at my (admittedly rather acutely striking) girth. She
was, I gathered, suggesting a weight-loss stratagem.
“Really?” I said, my eyes
going all wide and sort of buggy.
“Well…” she murmured.
“Are you actually suggesting
that I — a total stranger — might be
too fat to purchase that candy?”
“I’m just trying to be
helpful,” she said stiffly.
“Really. Trying to be helpful.”
I think my voice had taken on a somewhat…well…steely aspect. “Here’s an idea,”
I continued. “Your ass is the size of a fucking foot-stool, so how about you work on that, and mind your own
fucking business.”
The rest of our interaction
passed in total silence.
So, anyway… Not sure why I
encounter people like these two, but there it is.
The Freak Magnet, folks. Damn.
Oh, and by the way, I ate
those motherfucking peanut-butter eggs. And they were fuckin’ yummy.
Cheers.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
President Ted Cruz--The First 100 Days
- January 8th, 2020—President Theodore Cruz takes office. He is joined by Vice President Michele Bachmann.
- Has Republican/Tea Party majority in both Houses of Congress.
- January 21st, 2020—The Environmental Protection Agency is dissolved.
- January 22nd, 2020—The Department of Education is dissolved.
o Replaced
by new Department of Biblical Certainty
- January 23rd, 2020—President Cruz, by Executive Order, criminalizes homosexuality in all 50 States.
- January 24th, 2020—Department of Decency created, overseen by new cabinet-level position headed by Marcus Bachmann.
- January 30th, 2020—“Pray Away the Gay” Camps open nationwide.
o Attendance
compulsory for all American teenagers between the ages of 11 and 17.
o Especially
if they like to dance.
- February 3rd, 2020—Amendment 28 to the Constitution of the United States proposed.
o AKA—the
“Separation of Science and State Amendment.”
o AKA—the
“James Inhofe Act.”
o AKA—“I
Ain’t No Red-Assed Monkey! Nossir!”
o Contained
within the Amendment:
§ Climate
Change officially declared a “hoax.”
§ Theory
of evolution officially declared “atheist propaganda” and barred from all
schools.
§ Creation
Museum in Petersburg, KY, declared National Historic Site.
§ Provides
funding for implementation of “Nancy Reagan Astrology Centers.”
§ NSA
and NASA permanently defunded.
- February 5th, 2020--Hearings scheduled to determine political affiliation of Galileo and Copernicus, as well as their possible ties to Osama bin Laden.
- February 6th, 2020—All federal, state and local airports renamed in honor of Ronald Reagan.
o Ticketing
chaos ensues.
o Terrorist
Threat Level raised to Mauvelous.
- February 18th, 2020—Leap Years removed from calendars.
o Cuz
it’s just weird and befuddling and, in direct violation of the Constitution
and the Intentions of the Founders “forces Math upon Americans.”
- February 21st, 2020—On her way home from a meeting of the “Society for the Creation of Comfier Church Pews,” VP Michele Bachmann, after misinterpreting a faulty street light as the beginning of the Rapture, leaps from her car in the middle of the Santorum Parkway, overnight bag in hand. Is painlessly euthanized by ASPCA truck.
o Her
funeral is attended by thousands.
o Many
of whom are “totally, like, bummed” when Jesus fails to show.
- February 30th, 2020—The “Founders Defense Act” is passed, unanimously.
o America’s
standing Army disbanded. Replaced by State-Centered Militias.
o President
Cruz’s Secret Service detail renamed the “Praetorian Guard.” Is staffed
entirely by operatives of Blackwater Security.
- March 2nd, 2020—Hearings begin for Constitutional Amendment 29.
o Intended
to repeal Amendment 22.
o President
Cruz declares himself President for Life.
o House
members hold up lighters and toss beach ball around chamber.
- March 8th, 2020—US severs diplomatic relations with Sweden, Finland, Denmark, Britain, France, Spain, Canada, West Xylophone, Freedonia, Lilliput and Skull Island.
- March 10th, 2020—“Duck Dynasty” wins every Emmy in every category.
o House
members hold up lighters and toss beach ball around chamber.
- March 11th, 2020—“Jesse Helms Center for Negro Reskilling” opens in Bug Tussle, OK.
o Also
on This Date:
§ American
Civil War officially designated the “War of Yankee Aggression.”
§ “Chicago
School” of Economics declared America’s National Philosophy.
§ “Fairness
Doctrine” enacted on all American Indian Reservations. Now illegal for whites
to lose in their casinos.
§ Nutrition
guides in school cafeterias replaced with Zamboni repair manual and several
handfuls of bright purple confetti.
- March 15th, 2020—First students admitted into the Bob Jones University School of Legitimate Rape.
o Senior-class
projects to include practicum.
- March 18th, 2020—President for Life Cruz issues DFJ (Direct from Jesus) Order #1.
o Exercising
a vocabulary now a punishable offense.
- March 20th, 2020—President for Life Cruz crushed under palate of Dr. Seuss books.
- Surviving Americans hold up lighters and toss around a beach ball.
Cheers.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Talking about the Tea Party
On November 13th,
2013, I posted this picture on my Facebook page:
Is it hyperbolic? Of course it
is. And did I mean it seriously? Of course I did, to a point. And it really
aggravated some people. Which was, after all, my intention.
People wanted to know why I
was equating ‘Baggers with mass-murderers and/or white supremacists. My initial
glib response was, “Well, if the sheet fits…” but then I realized that I would
be better served by not using words
like “racist” to describe them. Not because I don’t think there are racists in
the Tea Party—there are plenty—but because the word “racist” simply isn’t a large enough descriptor to capture all
of the group’s vile nonsense.
Therefore, I am going with the
word bigot.
Moving right along, I want to
make quick rebuttals to the various accusations made against me, on Facebook
and otherwise, and to the various defenses trotted out by ‘Bagger apologists,
while also offering some general facts about their tawdry, horrifically
anti-American, little “movement.”
Anti-Intellect
The Tea Party is anti-intellect.
Many members seem actually to be proud of not knowing things. America’s
Founders, men with whom the ‘Baggers are wont to compare themselves, were
serious people with serious credentials. They taught themselves other
languages. The ‘Baggers are hostile even to the idea of Americans speaking anything other than English, and scared
shitless of people who do. The Founders were scientists, and enthusiastic about
science. The ‘Baggers are hostile to science, about which I will explain more
below. The Founders were voracious readers on all subjects, and committed to
the life of the mind. The ‘Baggers, as is quite obvious, do not read. Their
favorite president, the gleefully ignorant G.W. Bush, apparently read only two
books ever: the Bible (aka, The Child’s Book of Christian Mythology),
and My Pet Goat, (of the two, My Pet Goat is the better guide to good
governance…), and Ted Cruz cannot even successfully navigate the tricky
literary landscapes of Dr. Seuss.
The Power of the Guv’ment
I’ve been told that the Tea
Party is about limiting the power of the Federal Government, or, in the words
of the degenerate Grover Norquist, to make government so small he can “drown it
in the bath tub.” Republicans were trotting out this silliness long before the
‘Baggers started waving their misspelled signs. Generally it is a catch-all
excuse for being against any legislation they do not like, which is, generally,
any legislation than might help their countrymen. ‘Baggers do not like helping
people, because helping people might make them appear weak, and is therefore an
affront to their already tenuous mental health.
In truth, the ‘Baggers are
against government of the kind they hate, and rabidly in favor of the kind they
like, and they want more of it. Lots, lots, lots more. To wit:
- Establishing Christianity as the national religion. Rand Paul, Rick “I’m a Christocrat” Scarborough, and Michele Bachmann, among others, have harped on this subject many times. North Carolina tried to enact state-level legislation to that effect this year. The whole idea is about as unconstitutional as it gets, and so will go nowhere, but it remains a fine example of the ‘Baggers having no problem with the government controlling the lives of citizens.
- Voter registration laws. This is sweeping legislation in numerous (Southern) states aimed at stopping a non-existent problem. There have been exactly three—count ‘em—three documented cases of the type of voter fraud that so exercises the ‘Baggers. So, what possible point could they be making? Well, since those restrictive, draconian laws largely effect liberals and minorities… When the Supreme Court destroyed the Voting Rights Act, claiming it was no longer needed, it took less than 48 hours for those Southern states to enact legislation aimed at disenfranchising minorities.
- District gerrymandering. Hey, too many congressional districts filling up with brown people? Well, we gotta fix that, by god! Let’s just redraw the district lines and split those minority voting blocs, thereby effectively silencing those pesky slackers! That’s teach them to vote against us! District gerrymandering has taken place in Virginia, Michigan, Texas (of course), North Carolina, Wisconsin and Pennsylvania, with others in process.
- Elimination of TORT laws. (A bone for their corporate leash holders.) This isn’t taking away governmental power. It’s taking away citizen power.
- Allowing taxpayer money to fund religious schools and other religious activities. Again, totally unconstitutional, but this one is gaining unfortunate headway.
- Cutting veterans benefits, as Bush did in 2002, 2003 and 2004. Apparently the ‘Baggers have more use for dead soldiers than wounded ones. I mean, who doesn’t like a parade?
- Legislating against gay marriage. This one is on its way down in a massive fireball, thanks to progressive states like California and New York, but that didn’t stop the aforementioned ‘Bagger stalwart, Rick Scarborough from proposing a “class action suit against homosexuality.” This somehow leaves the realm of simply bigotry and enters the world of weapons-grade stupidity.
- Stomping on female reproductive rights. Do I even need to enumerate this ghastly stuff? Get over your bigoted terror of lady parts, people! What are you, twelve??
Then, finally, there’s the
whole “god’s law” business. ‘Baggers across the country are on the record
stating that America should be governed by god’s law. Again, totally unconstitutional,
but that doesn’t stop them from gibbering about it every chance they get.
Hey, guys, god’s “law” has had
its day on the world stage. We call that era the Dark Ages. And, god’s “law” is
what currently holds sway all over the Middle East, and we all know what a
tolerant, successful and intellectually vibrant place that is. And while we’re
on the subject, is there any way a government could be a larger, more
oppressive, nanny state than by turning its control over to an Invisible Man in
the Sky and his oh-so rational earthly lickspittles?
‘Baggers, stop pretending you
are in favor of smaller government. You aren’t.
Anti-Science
Those of you who know me, know
that I am a logical positivist and a philosophical materialist to my core. I
love and respect science because science works.
Because it makes use of testable facts.
Because it explains the natural world and our place in it better than religion
ever has, can, or will.
And the ‘Baggers have no use
for it whatsoever.
- “American scientific companies are cross-breeding humans and animals and coming up with mice with fully functioning human brains.”—Christine O’Donnell.
- They refuse to acknowledge the reality of climate change, absurdly claiming that the tens of thousands of scientists studying the problem world-wide are all part of some sweeping left-wing conspiracy to undermine…something-or-other, they are never very clear on this point. Like their ideological brethren on the postmodern left, they think science is “politics in white coats.”
- They make up horrific nonsense that sounds “sciency” to bolster their need for larger and more oppressive government crackdowns on the rights of Americans. Fetuses feel pain at eight weeks. If a woman is “legitimately” raped, she can’t get pregnant.
- They want creation “science” presented alongside evolution in public schools, screaming “Teach the controversy!” You know why no one is teaching the controversy? Because there isn’t one.
I could go on and on here, but
it makes me too sad. And, yes, before you ‘Baggers start whining, I am fully
aware that many liberal Americans are woefully ignorant about science, and that
also makes me sad. And I am also aware of the recent study which claimed to
demonstrate that ‘Baggers are slightly more scientifically literate than
liberals. However, the protocols of the study were a bit wobbly, and, like all
good science (statistical analysis is a science) we must await replication
before drawing conclusions. Personally, if it turns out to be true that ‘Baggers
know some science, I think that would be awesome, but I do not think it would
do a thing to alter their preposterous blather on the subject.
St. Ronald the Addle-Minded
Oh, how the ‘Baggers love
Ronald Reagan! To hear them talk, he was the next best thing to Jaysus!! For
decades now I’ve been listening to friends, family members, and pundits shout
St. Ronald’s name from the rooftops, but without ever saying what the guy did
to make him so super-duper special. I’ve done a bit of reading on Reagan, and
have come up with some bullet points that I think qualify as his major
achievements:
- He owed everything he got in life to labor unions (specifically SAG, Equity and IATSE) then became president and turned on unions like a rabid dog.
- He was a turncoat and a rat, spilling his trembling guts to the scumbags running the HUAC hearings.
- Despite a reputation as a tax cutter, he raised taxes nine times, effectively eviscerating the American middle class.
- After famously stating that trees cause air pollution (gotta love that conservative commitment to science), he set about selling off the country’s natural treasures to the highest bidder, and gutting environmental protections.
- He honored dead Nazis at the Bitburg concentration camp.
- He unleashed a wave of torture and murder in Central America, under the guise of combatting communists, funding the scheme by illegally dealing WMDs to Iran. And he only got away with it because he was too senile to remember issuing the orders in the first place.
- He cheated on his wife, divorced her to marry his mistress, then blithered on for two terms about “family values.”
- He invented a war history for himself, wherein he didn’t spend his entire enlistment on a Hollywood backlot (which is what he did), but instead liberated camps and fought in major battles.
- And, he was a completely talentless actor. Bonzo had more emotional depth.
Did I miss anything?
Oh yeah. Where was my brain?
He ended the Cold War, right?
Well, no. No he didn’t. As has
been well documented, the Soviet Union collapsed because Siegfried and Roy were
playing Caesar’s Palace at the time.
The Cold War was ended by
Mikhail Gorbachev, the Afghan mujahedeen, and Trofim Lysenko. Never heard of
Trofim Lysenko? That’s why you think Reagan did more than just stand around and
watch while the Soviet Union fell apart under the weight of its own oppressive
bullshit, because you haven’t read your history.
Government Shutdown
Theodore Roosevelt was an
interesting cat. Politically, he occupied a niche that no other president had occupied
before (except for Abraham Lincoln, to an extent) or has occupied since.
Conservatives have a hard time dealing with Teddy. On one hand, he was a rough-and-tumble
man of action—a soldier, a hunter, a fighter. But on the other hand, he wanted
to return the Republican party to what it had been under Lincoln—a progressive
government that helped every American citizen, regardless of color or religion,
get a “Square Deal.” When he failed to get certain legislation passed, he had
this to say about political compromise (and I’m paraphrasing): If you are stranded on a desert island and
all you have is a chisel, a saw and a screwdriver, then you put those tools to
use building the best raft you can.
Confronted with the Affordable
Care Act, Ted Cruz and the rest of the borderline-treasonous ‘Baggers instead
did the following: they sat on their asses in the shade while their betters
built a raft, then when it was done they complained about the design, and when
nobody listened to them, they shot holes in the raft in an attempt to drown its
occupants. Even Grover Norquist said the ‘Baggers were acting stupidly, and
when a guy like Norquist calls you stupid, man, you got a whole lotta stupid
goin’ on.
In ‘Baggerland, compromise is
weakness, and weakness is, I dunno, socialism or something, a word they love to
throw around, unfortunately without knowing its definition.
The End
In closing, do I think all ‘Baggers
are racists? No, I do not. Do I think they are all bigots? No, I do not. Do I
think they support bigoted and oppressive governmental policies?
Yes, I do.
Cheers.
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